Holidays
often magnify the feelings of grief. It is important and natural to experience
the emotional, physical and spiritual aspects of it. It is unhealthy to block
those avenues of expression. Therefore, the balance beam of the holidays on one
side and grief on the other needs to be reckoned with.
Dealing with Grief in the Holiday Season
Grief is an
unwanted journey. It is a journey that demands tremendous energy,
self-discipline, fortitude, courage and a boatload of patience. Especially at
the holidays, when you have mental pictures of how things should be and then in
a stinging towel snap, you are flung back into the present reality. No sooner
do you think you have it all under control when the gripping vigor and
unrelenting stress of the holidays unsteady you. Holidays often magnify the
feelings of grief. It is important and natural to experience the emotional,
physical and spiritual aspects of it. It is unhealthy to block those avenues of
expression. Therefore, the balance beam of the holidays on one side and grief
on the other needs to be reckoned with. Trying to keep your sanity while
dealing with your grief and the stress of the holidays is difficult. Now what
do you do?
Holiday time rates high on the stress scale under normal
circumstances. Add in a pinch of grief and you have a whole new standard of
stress. If the grief is new, the holiday's can be excruciating. Most of us,
under normal circumstances, spend our holidays trying to remind ourselves it is
all about giving and getting along. It is the time of year when we try to rise
above the Aunt who still pinches your 50 year old cheeks on any area of the
body, the Uncle who drinks way too much and the other naughty family members who
may have assigned themselves as the official family gossip or the critical
doomsdayer. Yet, when you have grief or shadow grief overwhelming you, this
situation becomes unbearable. It is sort of like being a Bopper Doll. With every
unwanted comment, unwanted touch or demand you feel the full blow of a punch.
Fortunately, there are things you can do to take an active role in getting
through the holidays and not feel like an emotional punching bag. The following
are important for maintaining some kind of sanity while dealing with everyone
else's joyful or bah humbug holiday spirit.
Don’t
over burden yourself with too many chores. Take time to plan and time to prepare
for the day. Be careful not to isolate yourself. Don't cut yourself off from the
support of family and friends.
The holidays may affect other family members. It is wise to
discuss holiday plans with others and make sure there are no surprises. Respect
their choices and needs as they should respect yours. Try to be open to the
possibility you may have to compromise if necessary. It is important to share
your concerns, feelings, and apprehensions. Allow them to know that this is a
difficult time for you. Allow yourself to accept their help and let them know
you appreciate their love and support at this time.
The more you
understand about the complexities of grief, the better you will be able to make
decisions for what is right for you. Grief affects you on an emotional, physical
and mental level. The following symptoms let you know that you are reacting
normally to your grief. That doesn't mean that you don't need to seek outside
help from a medical doctor or counselor. It is always beneficial and necessary
to check on your health and to find a non-judgmental person to talk with.
Keep in mind that if the loss has been over a year many
people will expect you to be "over it". They don't understand how shadow grief
creeps up at special times such as holidays and anniversaries. Be prepared to
educate those who expect the impossible. Let them know you will never be "over
it", but assure them you hope to eventually enjoy the holidays again. Let them
know that you have been trying hard to weave the life that was to the life that
now exists. Always share the vision you hold for the hope of moving forward to
live a life of radiance.
Don't forget that anticipation of any holiday
is generally much worse than the actual holiday.
Some people find it
helpful to be with family and friends, emphasizing the familiar. Others may wish
to avoid old sights and sounds. While others will find new ways to acknowledge
the season.
Holidays are a time to re-examine your priorities. Ask
yourself what you really delight in doing and what should you delegate or
change. Enjoying yourself is not a betrayal to your loved one. Laughter and joy
are not disrespectful. Give yourself and your family members permission to
celebrate and take pleasure in the holidays.
The holidays always a offer
a way to escape yourself by doing something for someone else, such as volunteer
at a soup kitchen or visit the lonely and shut-ins. If you are up to it you
might ask someone who is alone to share the day with your family. You could
provide help for a needy family or donate a gift of money in your loved one's
name.
Be mindful not to build a relationship to your pain but instead
focus on your memories and your goals for the future. Recognize your loved one's
presence by burning a special candle or hanging a stocking for your loved one in
which people can put notes with their thoughts or feelings. Think about
listening to music especially liked by your loved one. If you are comfortable
share photographs with family and friends and remember your memories. Most of
all be true to yourself. It is your journey and only you can walk the path to a
life that is vibrant with your memories and hopes aimed toward all the
tomorrows.
often magnify the feelings of grief. It is important and natural to experience
the emotional, physical and spiritual aspects of it. It is unhealthy to block
those avenues of expression. Therefore, the balance beam of the holidays on one
side and grief on the other needs to be reckoned with.
Dealing with Grief in the Holiday Season
Grief is an
unwanted journey. It is a journey that demands tremendous energy,
self-discipline, fortitude, courage and a boatload of patience. Especially at
the holidays, when you have mental pictures of how things should be and then in
a stinging towel snap, you are flung back into the present reality. No sooner
do you think you have it all under control when the gripping vigor and
unrelenting stress of the holidays unsteady you. Holidays often magnify the
feelings of grief. It is important and natural to experience the emotional,
physical and spiritual aspects of it. It is unhealthy to block those avenues of
expression. Therefore, the balance beam of the holidays on one side and grief
on the other needs to be reckoned with. Trying to keep your sanity while
dealing with your grief and the stress of the holidays is difficult. Now what
do you do?
Holiday time rates high on the stress scale under normal
circumstances. Add in a pinch of grief and you have a whole new standard of
stress. If the grief is new, the holiday's can be excruciating. Most of us,
under normal circumstances, spend our holidays trying to remind ourselves it is
all about giving and getting along. It is the time of year when we try to rise
above the Aunt who still pinches your 50 year old cheeks on any area of the
body, the Uncle who drinks way too much and the other naughty family members who
may have assigned themselves as the official family gossip or the critical
doomsdayer. Yet, when you have grief or shadow grief overwhelming you, this
situation becomes unbearable. It is sort of like being a Bopper Doll. With every
unwanted comment, unwanted touch or demand you feel the full blow of a punch.
Fortunately, there are things you can do to take an active role in getting
through the holidays and not feel like an emotional punching bag. The following
are important for maintaining some kind of sanity while dealing with everyone
else's joyful or bah humbug holiday spirit.
- Take time for yourself.
Don’t
over burden yourself with too many chores. Take time to plan and time to prepare
for the day. Be careful not to isolate yourself. Don't cut yourself off from the
support of family and friends.
- Rest. Practice relaxation techniques to help the stress
level. Trying to weave your grief into your life is a difficult and a
formidable task. You need rest to help you make it though tough times.
Emotionally, physically and psychologically, the holidays are draining. You
will need your strength.
- Shield yourself. Protect yourself from events and gatherings
that are too much to handle. When asked to a gathering, ask who will be
there and what they will be doing. Plan as much as you can for the
approaching holidays. Be aware that this may be a difficult time with
difficult people. The additional stress may affect you emotionally,
mentally, and physically. It is important to be prepared for these feelings.
Do holiday shopping early or give IOU's out and do the shopping when you
feel more comfortable.
- Back sliding. Allow yourself to back slide. You can’t always
be making headway. Sometimes grief comes in waves. One week you feel like
you are doing great and then the next you feel like you did when the loss
first happened. Give yourself a break and don’t demand too much from
yourself. It takes time and backsliding is part of working your way through
your grief.
- Goals. Thinking about goals shows you are healing. Set small
goals just for a day and then move on to setting a goal for next week and
then next month. Goals are avenues of hope for tomorrow.
- Small delights. Take pleasure in the small delights of the
day as often as you can. Laughter is a wonderful delight. Remembering a
wonderful time with your loved may bring tears and laughter at the same time
as well as warm your heart.
- Keep a log of the decisions that come up in your life. Do
like Ben Franklin and make a list of the pros and the cons for each
decision. Also prioritize and determine if there are any things you can
delegate. Imagine your decisions will affect no one but you. If you isolate
the decision to that level, it will make it easier to understand the direct
impact the decision will have on your life.
- Realize that to choose something, you are usually giving up
something. So decide which would you least mind
sacrificing?
- Don’t second guess. Once you have made up your mind become
committed to yourself and the decision.
- Hold on to your wallet. Sometimes grief can play havoc with
the purse strings. People will spend more in times of depression so be
careful. It is satisfactory to give IOU’s to people and you can shop under
better circumstances. If shopping is overwhelming, try using catalogues or
shop during off hours.
- Change something. Changing traditions may be helpful. It
doesn't mean you toss out the old completely. Small changes may make you
feel more in control and less stressful. Recognize that holidays won't be
the same. If you try to keep everything as it was, you'll be disappointed.
Doing things a bit differently can acknowledge the change while preserving
continuity with the past. Open presents Christmas Eve instead of Christmas
morning. Vary the timing of Chanukah gift giving. Have dinner at a different
time or place. Let the children take over decorating the house, the tree,
baking and food preparation, etc.
- Allow the tears. Certain memories will pop into your head
that may bring tears of sadness or joy but definitely memories. A particular
ornament may trigger a memory. A particular gathering, food or song may
bring teardrops. Think if you can handle the responsibility of the family
dinner, etc. or should you ask someone else to do it? Do you want to talk
about your loved one or not? Should you stay here for the holidays or go to
a completely different environment?
The holidays may affect other family members. It is wise to
discuss holiday plans with others and make sure there are no surprises. Respect
their choices and needs as they should respect yours. Try to be open to the
possibility you may have to compromise if necessary. It is important to share
your concerns, feelings, and apprehensions. Allow them to know that this is a
difficult time for you. Allow yourself to accept their help and let them know
you appreciate their love and support at this time.
The more you
understand about the complexities of grief, the better you will be able to make
decisions for what is right for you. Grief affects you on an emotional, physical
and mental level. The following symptoms let you know that you are reacting
normally to your grief. That doesn't mean that you don't need to seek outside
help from a medical doctor or counselor. It is always beneficial and necessary
to check on your health and to find a non-judgmental person to talk with.
- The physical symptoms you may experience include crying,
shortness of breath, muscle weakness, tightness in the throat and chest,
digestive problems, dry mouth, empty feeling, disorientation, numbness,
sensitivity to noise, change in sleeping and eating patterns and an
inability to swallow.
- The emotional symptoms include depression, anger, guilt,
sadness, relief, anguish, isolation, and loneliness. Many times the
emotional pain is more difficult to deal with during the holidays. It is not
uncommon to see dramatic changes in behavior at this time such as more
outbursts. When activities become to frenzied, it is not uncommon to want to
isolate yourself. Things become more confusing. There may be a tendency to
increase negative behavior. Too much eating or drinking or taking over the
counter medications will create more problems. It is important to talk with
your doctor if you are feeling too overwhelmed. It is not a weakness - it is
strength to know yourself and to ask for
help.
- The mental symptoms may include, confusion, inability to
concentrate, numbness, can't make decisions, nightmares, increased anxiety,
irritability and loss of self-esteem. It has been proven that the immune
system is compromised by stress.
Keep in mind that if the loss has been over a year many
people will expect you to be "over it". They don't understand how shadow grief
creeps up at special times such as holidays and anniversaries. Be prepared to
educate those who expect the impossible. Let them know you will never be "over
it", but assure them you hope to eventually enjoy the holidays again. Let them
know that you have been trying hard to weave the life that was to the life that
now exists. Always share the vision you hold for the hope of moving forward to
live a life of radiance.
Don't forget that anticipation of any holiday
is generally much worse than the actual holiday.
Some people find it
helpful to be with family and friends, emphasizing the familiar. Others may wish
to avoid old sights and sounds. While others will find new ways to acknowledge
the season.
Holidays are a time to re-examine your priorities. Ask
yourself what you really delight in doing and what should you delegate or
change. Enjoying yourself is not a betrayal to your loved one. Laughter and joy
are not disrespectful. Give yourself and your family members permission to
celebrate and take pleasure in the holidays.
The holidays always a offer
a way to escape yourself by doing something for someone else, such as volunteer
at a soup kitchen or visit the lonely and shut-ins. If you are up to it you
might ask someone who is alone to share the day with your family. You could
provide help for a needy family or donate a gift of money in your loved one's
name.
Be mindful not to build a relationship to your pain but instead
focus on your memories and your goals for the future. Recognize your loved one's
presence by burning a special candle or hanging a stocking for your loved one in
which people can put notes with their thoughts or feelings. Think about
listening to music especially liked by your loved one. If you are comfortable
share photographs with family and friends and remember your memories. Most of
all be true to yourself. It is your journey and only you can walk the path to a
life that is vibrant with your memories and hopes aimed toward all the
tomorrows.